LegalZoom & Borrowed Clothes

I have been scared, even terrified to the point of fainting before. But nothing prepared me for how I would feel walking into the courthouse.

Smiling bravely, I grabbed my pink briefcase off the security belt and took a deep breath. Goddess, please let everything I learned on LegalZoom.com be legit!!

So many thoughts went through my head. I was sweating just thinking about being in the same room with him (the last time we saw each other was February 21st). But now wasn’t the time. You see, I didn’t have the luxury of just showing up after a long shift at work and letting someone else handle the case. No, I had 24hrs to become a divorce lawyer. . .and to borrow clothes from my friend so I looked the part!img_20160810_132244Shutting down as much emotion as possible, I entered the lobby. Since we weren’t allowed to have our phones (brutal!!!) I began journaling:

August 10th, 10:15am

There he is. Sitting there in his pressed shirt and his military style hair cut.

I’m literally shaking.

Ms. McDaniel is with him and his lawyer.

I’m by myself. . .but I’m not alone.

I think about how Ms. McDaniel was with me when I miscarried. She held my hand as I silently wept while the doctor pulled my baby from my body.

I wonder if they know they are over-prepared. That I’m self-represented. That I didn’t want any of this. Why is he doing this? Surely he doesn’t need the money??

My heart has slowed a little.

God. . .just don’t let me cry – or pass out!! I’m trying to think of calming things; my nieces. . .the moon over the ocean. . .

(Looks up and sees “Remove Chewing Gum” sign on the courtroom door. . .crap!)

I wish I knew what he wanted from me. . .

 

Legally Blonde-ish

Friday, August 5th, 9PM:

I walked into my house after another long day at work, flip the light switch and. . .nothing. The house was eerily quiet with only the sound of fur baby paws on the hardwood.

The electric was off- again. . .Confused, I called the electric company since my bill had been paid through the 20th. The account holder had disconnected services. The babies and I would have to wait until Monday evening for the power to be turned back on.
It was hot. I had fur babies. I had a court case to prepare for. I had a full weekend of work. . .

img_20160716_090412I had friends.

That weekend, Mr. Satchel and I stayed at a friend’s house.
Worked out pretty great too because she needed me to cat sit for her anyway!!

I was still in disbelief that the court systems were now involved in what was agreed to be a “no fault” divorce. After being separated for six months, imagine my surprise when I was served divorce papers from a. . .umm <clears throat> “private investigator”. Even more surprising was how soon I had to provide a legal response to the courts.

That weekend I continued to look for a lawyer to represent me at the temporary hearing on August 10th. All hands were on deck as my sweet friends also joined the search to help find someone. By Monday, I finally got a response from a female lawyer!! Yes!! She said since the court date was so soon, she could ask for an extension on the response since there clearly wasn’t enough time to prepare one. All she needed from me was a cool $5,000 so she could request an extension. . .remember. . .not a response, but an extension, so she could have time to prepare the actual response (this is important, I promise lol).

Hmm. . .let’s see how much money I have. Yup. . .that looks like $126. . .and 100 of that was going towards getting my power back on lol. I knew I didn’t have the money. I also knew that I was “just a little girl that worked at Red Ventures” and didn’t have the time or experience to be my own lawyer.

The moment I sat at my friend’s table will be stuck in my head forever. I remember just sitting there. Dumbfounded. Emotionless. Thoughtless. Still. I called on my spirit guides for wisdom and to help me. I could feel that I had to handle this on my own- but I didn’t want to. Wanting to make sure this was an accurate feeling, I drew a card. It was clear what I had to do.

I took the rest of Monday off and I moved my Tuesday and Wednesday shifts. My power was turned on that evening. . .and your girl got to work! (to be continued. . .)

Thanks for being on this journey with me. I send my love to others going through trials and struggles. It is not easy. You will feel defeated. . .but your goodness of heart will be respected by the spirit realm. Don’t ask God for him to deliver you from your hardships, rather ask him for the STRENGTH to arise victorious!!

If you would like to donate monetarily, please use this site: https://www.gofundme.com/ltimbs

Of course, keep sending the love and light. . .that’s like currency for the soul xoxo

Role Play

wp-1463707873180.jpgWednesday, February 24, 2016: “I’m gonna talk with Logan* about filing for separation. Maybe living apart will help bring clarity to the relationship.”

I’m the wife that sent a text. A text to her husband while he was away during the week training to become a cop. That’s me.

Was that the most sensitive way to break that kinda news? No. It was scary and gut-wrenching, but it was the best option for me. It was a selfish act that I do not regret.

In my whole life I’ve never shared important news when it was the “right moment” for the person receiving it. I value what I have to express enough to make it the right moment for myself and what I’m communicating.

I have been processing a lot. Trying to put into words what I’m experiencing, and this is the first time since that text that I’m feeling the “right moment” to start writing is here.

If you’ve read my blogs before, you know that I do not sugar coat, nor do I host a pity party. The same goes for this chapter in my life.

I do not anticipate my upcoming blogs to be in chronological order. My brain has never processed that way. In a little over a years time, I’ve had a miscarriage, cut off ties with my parents, changed jobs, and separated from my husband.

On paper, I look like I’m going through an identity crisis: piercings, tattoos, racy pictures, crazy hair. . .I mean, let’s be honest, how many of you are thinking “Bless, she’s gone off the deep end trying to find herself.” Shoot, I’ve even thought that a time or two!

Am I just going through a phase where I’m shooting up my middle finger to traditional society? Freeing myself from organized religion, family and relationships?

Or am I finally giving myself permission to be my authentic self? Am I realizing that just because I’m good at making things work, I should continue doing so at the cost of my own well being? Am I awakening to the fact that I’ve lived my whole life being cast in a role that didn’t suit me?

A lot of times, our childhood forces us to play a part. You become so good at “acting” and following the guidelines that you loose your true self. But when we are adults, we have the CHOICE not to carry those skills into relationships and end up repeating cycles.

So why do you continue playing the part? Because you are good a that role! It’s the only role you’ve played and you know what to expect. You have the lines memorized. You’ve become the character. And most importantly, others have learned what to expect from your performance.

I wonder how many of us have played a part for so long, we don’t even know how to function outside of that realm. We accept the fact that we should stick to what we’re good at. That we shouldn’t disappoint others by being authentic.

Take a look at the stage you are on. You chose to audition. You knew what you were signing up for. So is it the best role for you? Do you audition for the same part each time, or do you learn something from each show to help you choose a better character the next time around.

*marriage counselor

 

Before Pictures

Taking before pictures has never bothered me. I mean, it is what it is, right?

You put on a brave face, find some decent lighting, and set the timer on your phone or take a mirror selfie. You have full control over who sees it and WHEN they see it. You also get to take as many pics as you need to before selecting the perfect “before”.

However, when you step into a room of strangers, a professional photographer, and nothing but a tiny bikini on under your sweat clothes. . .yeah, I sweated more in that 10min than I ever have during a workout!

For the challenge, it said that the judging is mainly based on pictures. So being the nerd that I am, I looked at the winners from past challenges. All of their before pictures were in two piece swimwear or active-wear.

I assumed that the other participants would be stripping down to their skivvies too. . .but NOOOOOOO. . .just me, my chubs and my tiny bikini lol

I consider myself a pretty confident person, but let me tell you, I wanted to throw up and get some cardio by running away! But I didn’t. I just said, well, I’m wearing a bikini so y’all get ready for all my glory!

I can only hope that my winter body and skin tone look nice against the black bikini and white background. Maybe the headline on the USA Today paper was engaging enough to draw everyone’s attention to the headline instead of my waistline.

Or. . .maybe everyone there was just like me. Too busy judging their own bodies to give a hoot about the glaringly white, chubby chick, sweating in the bikini.

Take a moment and think about the last time you were anxious about what others thought. Are you giving “them” and their thoughts of you more power than you give yourself? Do you let what MIGHT be going through a strangers mind stop you from experiencing something great?

I didn’t like the feeling of standing there, a foot away from a professional lens with all my razor bumps and super chubs, but I can guarantee I’m gonna like posing down in 12 weeks looking like a winner! (and hopefully with a tan!)201511_1122_aaaba_sm

 

 

Meal or Entrée?

Thanksgiving, crazy work schedule, and stressful life events are all good reasons to reach for the Sour Patch Kids and Krispy Kreme.

I made it through Thanksgiving by eating a little spoon of everything and just having a few bites of dessert. I didn’t feel deprived. . .I was STUFFED and enjoyed my meal.

Follow that by working 6 days in a row, long shifts, where work catered food twice a day.

For times like those, I would pick out the foods that were good for me, instead of being like, Well, I’ll just pick up my healthy eating after this week.

Then comes a stressful event. You know, the kind where even others say it’s OK to eat whatever you want because you deserve it!

Trust me when I say, what you deserve is to keep your eating and gym sessions in tact. At least those are things you CAN control!

Then yesterday it happened. “Meal or Entrée?” It was some type of kids night at Chick-fil-A. It was pack and people were literally swarming. “Meal!” I said without thinking.

I didn’t even realize I had inhaled half the fries. . .uggh. Well, it was an accident. I’m sure the fries didn’t do too much damage.

Ummm, oh yes they did!! Wiped out 400 calories from my daily allowance and didn’t even fill me up!!!

Having said all that, if you don’t do anything else for your diet. . .skip the fries!! It’s in the extras. The sauces, sides, drinks. Empty calories!

Stay strong y’all. If you feel like you deserve a break because life is being difficult, then take a break- meditate, chat with friends, read. Don’t screw yourself even more by loosing control of your healthy choices!

Technically Speaking

If I could choose the biggest motivator for keeping me on track, it would be technology- hands down.

After just two nights of sleep with my FitBitHR, I learned to go to bed at a decent hour. Why? Because I get a smiley face on my app when I get 8hrs! Call it what you want, but guess what? I’m feeling better because I’m getting the amount of sleep I need!!

Add that to the fact that My Fitness Pal is teaching me what’s “worth” it to eat and drink. If I’m out, I can check foods on the menu and see what the better options are.

Ever try sticking with your meal plan but you’re hungry as all get out once you add in your workouts?? Since MFP and FitBit are linked, it takes into account my exercise & I’ll know if I need to throw in another boiled egg or two 😉

Thermos has recently come out with a Smart Lid that tracks your water intake and will get you reminders. The iPhone app is up and running, still waiting for the Android app to drop. Once again, the Smart lid connects to FitBit and MFP to give you a total health tracking system! (And yes, added it to my wish list already)

Can you meet your fitness goals without all this fancy stuff? Of course! But let’s be real. I’ve been doing everything on the free for two years & nothing changed. I needed a SPECIFIC plan with ACTUAL stats. . .and that meant tools and a personal trainer.

The money that I used to spend on food, I used as an investment for a healthier lifestyle. One size fits most approach works for MOST. . .but as y’all are learning, I’m not most ❤

What are YOUR favorite tools??

Rice Cake with Peanut Budder

So things are going really well! I’ve been learning how to be flexible with my meal plan without going CRAZY. It’s been nice to “splurge” a little here and there 🙂 With the My Fitness Pal app, I can easily see why it’s worth it to just get a kids portion of a meal out, vs either not eating/going HAM on a bad decision!

Speaking of flexibility, I just spent the weekend with my sister. Did I load up my little Gladware containers and head up the mountain?? Nope!

I made up my mind that I was going to enjoy my weekend. .  within reason.

But guess what happened, my sister lovingly prepared meals and snacks for me because she had been reading my blog ❤

Even my 3yr old niece was on board with my changes and asked “Do you want some rice cake, with peanut budder?”

This. This is why it’s important to let folks know what’s going on in your life (disclaimer: don’t be that person that just non-stop salivates and obsesses over what they CAN’T have. . .😒)

I’ve also noticed that several coworkers have started cleaning up their diets and such! They’ll kinda check in with me and tell me what’s up.

PS, I have a FitBit now, so feel free to add me 💪💪💪

No Flex Zone

My first training session went great. Looks like my trainer is going to be Helen. She was awesome & even sent me a text later in the afternoon to followup and said I could text her any time 🙂

I felt SO good. My workouts were simple and challenging yet I didn’t feel helpless and defeated.

Also, I talked with her about indulging. . .you know, I still want to be able to enjoy some of my fave foods, life is just too short!!

She said the best way to do that is to have a splurge snack everyday. A little something to break up the monotony of boiled chicken and brown rice 😛

As promised, here are my before pictures! Got some serious work to do on my torso so I can get healthy. . .of course, if I end up looking like an⏳ that wouldn’t hurt either!

image

Slow Motion

So it’s been a week since my fit test and here’s what’s happened:

Went in for my personal training session. . .and my trainer had to cancel because he was feeling ill. . .

I mean, it’s not the first time professional help has canceled on me. I’ve had several shrinks skip out once they learned what the were dealing with!!

Needless to say, I have my next appointment this Wednesday.

I stuck to my meal plan all week & did some “celebrating” over the weekend. I’ll be honest, even though I enjoyed it & didn’t feel guilty, I think I’ll be less inclined to wile out again. It totally screwed with my appetite for the following 2 days!

I’ve been diligent to log my food. I’ve found the easiest way to track my food is to use My Fitness Pal. You can scan the bar code of what you consume. . .even type in the places you go out to eat!

Feel free to check out my little profile & add me. I made everything public so you can see exactly what I’m eating (unless I under eat. . .the app won’t allow those posts to show. . .which I think is a good thing!)

Hope to have some updates on my first session as well as before pics for y’all on Wednesday! Until then ✌

The Problem with Cheat Days

Today has been ROUGH!! I’ve been looking for any and every excuse to “cheat”. I’m still following my plan and doing what I’m supposed to do, but I’m slipping into depression.

I found this article and thought is made a lot of sense. . .it’s SO TRUE!! I’ve literally been obsessing over foods I can’t have!!

After reading this article, I don’t feel so bad. I’ll probably drink my protein shake & if I still feel some cravings hit, get a small pack of Twizzlers.

In a nutshell, I need to stop viewing the foods I LOVE as bad & just view them as tasty options every now and again 😙

How do you view your food??

https://blog.myfitnesspal.com/the-problem-with-cheat-days/