Wednesday, February 24, 2016: “I’m gonna talk with Logan* about filing for separation. Maybe living apart will help bring clarity to the relationship.”
I’m the wife that sent a text. A text to her husband while he was away during the week training to become a cop. That’s me.
Was that the most sensitive way to break that kinda news? No. It was scary and gut-wrenching, but it was the best option for me. It was a selfish act that I do not regret.
In my whole life I’ve never shared important news when it was the “right moment” for the person receiving it. I value what I have to express enough to make it the right moment for myself and what I’m communicating.
I have been processing a lot. Trying to put into words what I’m experiencing, and this is the first time since that text that I’m feeling the “right moment” to start writing is here.
If you’ve read my blogs before, you know that I do not sugar coat, nor do I host a pity party. The same goes for this chapter in my life.
I do not anticipate my upcoming blogs to be in chronological order. My brain has never processed that way. In a little over a years time, I’ve had a miscarriage, cut off ties with my parents, changed jobs, and separated from my husband.
On paper, I look like I’m going through an identity crisis: piercings, tattoos, racy pictures, crazy hair. . .I mean, let’s be honest, how many of you are thinking “Bless, she’s gone off the deep end trying to find herself.” Shoot, I’ve even thought that a time or two!
Am I just going through a phase where I’m shooting up my middle finger to traditional society? Freeing myself from organized religion, family and relationships?
Or am I finally giving myself permission to be my authentic self? Am I realizing that just because I’m good at making things work, I should continue doing so at the cost of my own well being? Am I awakening to the fact that I’ve lived my whole life being cast in a role that didn’t suit me?
A lot of times, our childhood forces us to play a part. You become so good at “acting” and following the guidelines that you loose your true self. But when we are adults, we have the CHOICE not to carry those skills into relationships and end up repeating cycles.
So why do you continue playing the part? Because you are good a that role! It’s the only role you’ve played and you know what to expect. You have the lines memorized. You’ve become the character. And most importantly, others have learned what to expect from your performance.
I wonder how many of us have played a part for so long, we don’t even know how to function outside of that realm. We accept the fact that we should stick to what we’re good at. That we shouldn’t disappoint others by being authentic.
Take a look at the stage you are on. You chose to audition. You knew what you were signing up for. So is it the best role for you? Do you audition for the same part each time, or do you learn something from each show to help you choose a better character the next time around.